I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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