it hurts more in the daytime
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
