Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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