doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
