The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
