I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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