You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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