dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
