she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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