Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
