Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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