He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
