I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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