I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
