I'm jealous of your bromance
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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