my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
