Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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