Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The uberlube is also flammable
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
