Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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