I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
