She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
