Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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