You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.