I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
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So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT