Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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