A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
