im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
