haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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