Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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