no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't