so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
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No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
too bad burritos don't cuddle back