I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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