he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
