just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
