I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
