i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
