Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
