Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
