ya dads aren't the best wingmen
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i love accidental penises.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
