I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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