Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
