your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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