Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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