Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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