So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
