Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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