Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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