fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
