if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
