Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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