Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
