My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯