The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
