my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Are we still banned from the library?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
