I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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