If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
