thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
