Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
