how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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